Okay maybe that is an exaggeration. Okay, it is. BUT, it is not far from the truth.
If you have ever watched The Vampire Diaries [or the Originals] then you will recall the particular moment that Caroline decided to switch off her emotions, just after her mom passed on. She refused to feel anymore pain, sadness and loneliness…just living life in a raw state, emotionless. That did not happen to me, of course, but I am tempted to think I feel less than the average human being.
No, I do not have a tragic past, neither have I had to survive anything. My life has been quite okay honestly and I thank God for that. It is really the disparity between my [and societies] expected reaction to circumstances and my actual reaction that scares me. And am not just talking of the bad experiences, but even the good ones. If my emotions were to be plotted on a graph, it would be a horizontal straight line. If we were to sum up my emotions in one word, it would be ‘meh’. That is not healthy. I do not know where this came from or if it is even an issue to begin with. But I knew we had a problem when I saw how girls in college would degenerate after break ups compared to my own experience; I definitely knew I owed people a few more tears than I gave.
It is my belief that fully experiencing the high tides of happiness and low tides of sadness make life exciting. I mean, I would like to experience the legit feeling of screaming so loud after landing a dream job or experiencing something amazing. I would like to ugly cry after a nasty breakup and actually believe life can not continue without this great irreplaceable guy. You see, if I were to land my dream job right now, I would straight away be concerned with wondering whether I would deliver on the job or not. If I were to go through a breakup right now, I would probably feel sad for a few minutes then proceed to plan my day, because you see, class starts at 9 am tomorrow. For some reason, I miss out on riding out the highs and lows of life and my emotions. The very experience of life.
But that will change. It has to.
Do you feel anything?