In labour

Every now and then I get the labour feeling. That uneasiness you feel inside when your ideas just want to be born, to become alive. But I watch them die, because for some reason I can’t push. I miscarry them and move on. But they keep coming. And I keep losing them.

on a side note, all this pregnancy talk has got me thinking maybe someone I know is pregnant. Tchai!

I woke up today with that feeling again. Of wanting to do something, to create something, to solve a problem in this crazy world of ours. I woke up this morning with the energy and excitement of using my knowledge to create something, something that will live long after I am gone.

Most of us feel this way all the time and there is nothing we  do about it. We watch our dreams die because we dont know where to start and it sucks!  Usually I would blame myself, but not today. Today I blame our school system.

Reason with me here, have you noticed how all the learning from primary school to secondary school and even college revolves around passing exams? We go through every module, subject and course with the sole purpose of getting that paper, that prized degree that we neatly put away protecting it from fire and water hazards. The emphasis was never on teaching us to apply the knowledge we learn. It was always on testing who remembers the most. Unfortunately we learnt that game so well and we forgot why we were playing in the first place. We were never taught how to push the ideas we have into life and now we keep having miscarriages.

But there is no use blaming the system. These are my babies, these are your babies. Stop losing them.

Teach yourself to push.

 

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Happy birthday to me!

I just turned 27. Shit.

27 y'all

I am not going to bother you with how scary growing up is. We are all going through it. I trust you understand.

What I will share with you however is what I learnt yesterday from deleting my old emails and unsubscribing to newsletters I never read.

First time I opened my email account I was so excited.  I kept subscribing to each and every site I liked. Am talking shopping websites, competition websites, car dealer websites and basically all websites that claimed you would be entered into a draw if you subscribe. It is 2017, haven’t won a thing. But you get the picture.

As expected my mail box was a mess, I had close to 4000 unread emails. Do not judge me.

I don’t know what happened but yesterday I decided I was going to delete all emails that I didn’t need. I would also unsubscribe myself from all sites that I didn’t need, they were a lot of those. Needless to say, I spent almost the entire afternoon sorting out my mail box.

I questioned why I never had deleted them earlier, why I never removed myself from mailing lists I didn’t even remember subscribing to. I mean, they have been bothering me for quite sometime. It is annoying when you are expecting an important email only to find its that 9:00am email from Be-forward. But I never did because maybe while they were annoying, I just didn’t think they were annoying enough. I let them pile up so high that now I dreaded the day I would have to clean up the mess.

Somewhere along the way of sorting my mail I realised that sometimes we treat our lives, our bodies like a yahoo mail box. We let in people that are toxic because at the time, they are not toxic enough. We let weeds kill the good in us because weeds need a home too right? We let problems settle in our minds, because they aren’t big enough yet. We fail to address issues while they emerge, because somehow we are hoping they will go away. But they don’t. Instead they will keep piling up till we sum up the courage to expel them from our life.

I have realized that what keeps us from growing and progressing are really the negligible bad habits that  we engage in daily. The little urge to view our timelines hoping there is something different from what we saw 5 minutes ago. I mean, we all know our little bad habits. And then there is the negativity and chaos we leave to settle in our hearts on a daily basis. While they might seem little, they do pile up everyday.

27 is about being cautious about how I spend my time. I wont let the next phase of my life by occupied by habits that suffocate me. Neither should you.

And yeah, I turned 27. I have been alive for 27 years. When you look at it that way, it really is a blessing and am not gonna hide it.

Happy birthday to me!

27

 

I have a problem, I can’t feel anything.

Okay maybe that is an exaggeration. Okay, it is. BUT, it is not far from the truth.

If you have ever watched The Vampire Diaries [or the Originals] then you will recall the particular moment that Caroline decided to switch off her emotions, just after her mom passed on. She refused to feel anymore pain, sadness and loneliness…just living life in a raw state, emotionless. That did not happen to me, of course, but I am tempted to think I feel less than the average human being.

No, I do not have a tragic past, neither have I had to survive anything. My life has been quite okay honestly and I thank God for that. It is really the disparity between my [and societies] expected reaction to circumstances and my actual reaction that scares me. And am not just talking of the bad experiences, but even the good ones. If my emotions were to be plotted on a graph, it would be a horizontal straight line. If we were to sum up my emotions in one word,  it would be ‘meh’. That is not healthy. I do not know where this came from or if it is even an issue to begin with. But I knew we had a problem when I saw how girls in college would degenerate after break ups compared to my own experience; I definitely knew I owed people a few more tears than I gave.

It is my belief that fully experiencing the high tides of happiness and low tides of sadness make life exciting. I mean, I would like to experience the legit feeling of screaming so loud after landing a dream job or experiencing something amazing. I would like to ugly cry after a nasty breakup and actually believe life can not continue without this great irreplaceable guy. You see, if I were to land my dream job right now, I would straight away be concerned with wondering whether I would deliver on the job or not. If I were to go through a breakup right now, I would probably feel sad for a few minutes then proceed to plan my day, because you see, class starts at 9 am tomorrow. For some reason, I miss out on riding out the highs and lows of life and my emotions. The very experience of life.

But that will change. It has to.

Do you feel anything?

 

Bleaching and Worrying

Can I just say…

I never realized how dusty Lilongwe is till I moved to Blantyre, Sigh! The little pleasures we take for granted as Blantyre people lol. The thought crossed my mind as I walked hurriedly kwa Senti trying to make it to church. Every passing minibus  seemed to destroy my hopes of just a minute of dust free air, just a minute. Well, life moves fast in L-City.

But I digress…

I arrived a few minutes late. The midweek service centered on being grateful to God without having to wait for something extraordinary to happen first. It is something that I have heard before; but this time it came with a unique twist- bleaching. I surely didn’t see that coming.

The preacher, a short man by all standards, had initially shared a story of how a few days back a friend had found him buying pork in the market. Teasingly, the friend had made a comment about how he, a short man, was also buying a short animal, a pig. Funny really. His reason for telling the story lied mostly on how he found the story not offensive because indeed, he is a short man. And quite happy about it too if I might add. The story somehow led to the issue of bleaching as he gave examples of how we as people become slaves to our own bodies as we try to change stuff we do not like about ourselves.

Bleaching as a topic is quite complex and I will not labour my brain by going deep into its complexities. However,  I would like to dwell on how as people (me inclusive) spend majority of our time worrying over what usually we cant change instead of living. Gosh! There is just so much we worry about as young people. We worry about how others view us, we worry about our height or lack of it, we worry about finances, we worry about relationships, we worry about career progress, we worry about everything. Lord have mercy!

I have realized that majority of our worries go down to the unreal images we have been taught to paint of ourselves to others. In as much as we would like to share positive stories, dreams and our wins, sometimes it is good to be real. Let us remind each other that we all get broke, we all feel like failures sometimes, we all worry about progress; and honestly let us remind each other that light skinned men and women are not spared from life’s difficulties.

It is good to share all aspects of life and not just the filtered aspects.

I hope someday our focus will solely be on exploring the world and not worrying. I look forward to it!

 

 

 

 

 

Conversations, Good reads and Oprah

I have been staring at the blinking cursor for quite sometime. I am stuck trying to decide how to express myself on so many issues I wish I could talk about. Easy does it so let us start with the conversation I had with my colleagues over lunch some days ago.

‘A girl that is accountable to no one’

Growing up within the African culture and set up, girls are always accorded extra care and protection when compared to boys. Curfews are stricter for the girl child, more advice is given to the girl child and physically the men in the family always step up when the girl child is in danger. This oversight role is primarily left with parents, who eventually pass it on to the husband on that walk down the aisle. Personally I love it! I love being treated like an egg; because why not. The confusion begins when the girl grows and parents can no longer exercise this oversight control and yet (and that is a very big YET) there is no husband or boyfriend in sight to pass over the role. Say what?!! Society goes bonkers! Society has not yet come to terms with what to do with a girl that is accountable to no one. She is viewed as a loose canon. Will she make the right decisions? Why is she alone? What does she want? Women will mostly conclude it is because she wants to steal other peoples husbands. Hehe. It was a good conversation.

‘What you seek is seeking you-Rumi’

I just finished reading an article on accomplish press blog. I cannot rephrase the beauty I read, so here is an excerpt:

But what if you dared to step outside your fear and your ego that is holding you back? What if you suddenly decided that pursuing your desire is worth more than staying in your comfort zone? What if you just took the first step, and then the next? What if…? Well I tell you what happens – suddenly you start seeing things “magically” happening! The right people start appearing in your view, you “coincidentally” find the right resources to read, you “stumble upon” the right website or article online, you “somehow” meet a mentor who has taken the same path you wish to take, or you suddenly start getting new opportunities that help you take the next step. Do you know what is happening? What you were seeking all along, has been seeking you! That desire you’ve always wanted to bring to life has been waiting for you to make the first move of faith, and then everything else will start falling into place.

I’ve seen this happen in my own life and career over and over again, too many times to count..”

Deep within us, we all certainly know our calling. Enough said.

Let me leave with this link to Oprah’s interview at Stanford Graduate Business School. It is life changing. It is almost an hour long.

Now that I look at all I have written, I did not have much to say after all. Forgive my over-dramatic ways. Lol.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Money 101

Can we ever have enough of it?

 

Well…

 

In the words of Onesimus, money is good! Not many things compare to having the ability to attain whatever we want. To provide for our parents, our children, our neighbours and all those in need of our assistance. And also just to spoil ourselves with the best that the world has to offer. It is a good feeling, it gives confidence and breeds power. And that is why most of what we do revolves around it. chasing money….

When I got my first job, no one ever sat me down to tell me how to handle money. No one had done so before that either. It is assumed we all know how we should handle money- you know, the usual you earn and spend-no rocket science there. Frankly speaking am pretty sure there were quite a number of  publications in the papers and books that I could have read; but most of these finance talks and literature tend to be boring. All I knew back then was that to really progress in life, one needs a really well paying job. And that is what I was looking forward to, the next job!

As far fetched as it may seem, we can actually achieve a lot with what we get. Let me share with you a little secret called “investing”. Truly speaking, it is a life changer. It is something I have grown to be passionate about and something I wish we can share on this space in the coming weeks. I am not going to write a lot on investing today. As I said, these finance talks tends to be boring.

I almost dozed off there…

 

 

 

 

 

Malawi and it’s hate for beauty queens

Today is the day!

Fourteen beauty queens selected from across the country will today be battling it out at BICC Lilongwe for the Miss Malawi crown. The event has been heavily publicised by Zodiak and the team; and from the look of things, the organisers have been doing a terrific job. Only one girl will be crowned by the end of the evening, closing the curtain on the long race it has been.  However for some contestants, the real battle might have just began.

Deciding to run for Miss Malawi has got to be undoubtedly one of the hardest decision a girl can make. I mean, putting yourself on the national stage to be judged on your looks?  That requires guts. I should believe one goes into such a competition with the belief and confidence in their looks and abilities to fulfill the requirements of such a role. However I doubt if they all come out with the same belief and confidence they possessed while going into the race.

Malawians are brutal.

I do not want to dwell on everything that has been said about the contestants, just one comment I read off Nyasatimes. One “Le Colone” had this to say;

Koma ku Malawi komvetsa chisoni ndithu. So these skinny shabby looking girls consider themselves beautiful? Pitani mukaone pa Nairobi, Maputo, South Africa, Addis Ababa ndi Lusaka.

“…..So these skinny shabby looking girls consider themselves beautiful?….

The idea that only a special section of the population have a right to feel a certain way about themselves is truly disturbing. I am tempted to think maybe as individuals this type of thinking in our society is what really holds us back; this idea that certain feelings, goals, ambitions are meant for a secluded extraordinary that were born to win and succeed.

We are perplexed when we see someone that resembles us, whose past and experiences we share go out on their way to break through the boundaries we have set for them. We are quick to point them out because just like we have condemned ourselves to the average life, they too should do the same. How dare they? what do they have that we do not have? And maybe that is the problem…

We fail to realise that life is for the ordinary person. You and me. No one is born extraordinary. I know there are some people are that are born into great families, with great genes and with superior intelligence. But that does not mean they have a monopoly over that. Everyone can feel the way they want to about themselves and anyone should be able to dare and dream beyond their currents state. Life is for the ordinary. As a society we have got to learn to let people be free to curve out an extraordinary life for themselves; without projecting our own insecurities on them.

The sad reality is that while we would have gotten over the Miss Malawi fiasco after tonight, some of these girls will go back to their homes questioning their self worth and whatever confidence they had built before the competition. And that is a battle that rages in silence but whose impact we see in our own fears.